What better day indeed… I promised this weeks ago. My promises are apparently worthless. None the less, a promise is a promise, and so here it is, the much famed Satan ‘N Love. A one act play that builds off the events of Autumn’s wedding. It’s clumsy and amateur, and it’s the best thing I’ve ever written, which perhaps tells you more about my abilities as a written than I care for it to, but alas. Art is never the possession of the artist. So with out further ado, I give you for your ocular pleasure….
Satan ‘N Love
(A semi-apocalyptic love story)
Michael Lewis
©September 25 2010
Character
Charlie Goodspeed ……………………………………A Financial “Weatherman”, Our Hero(?).
Lily (TBD)..………………………………………………Charlie’s Ex, An Entertainment Lawyer
Jim Weathers……………………………………………….Charlie’s Best Friend, Starving Artist
Emily……………………………………………………….Jim’s Girlfriend, Grad Student (Psych)
The League of Broken Hearts:
Whitney………………………………………………………………………………Charlie’s First Ex
Bianca…………………………………………………………………………. Charlies Second Ex
Rachel………………. …………………………………………………The Third Ex in the lineup
The Outsiders
Josh……………………………………………………………………………..The First Observer
Lucille………………………………………………………….The Second Observer, Josh’s Date
The Man…………………………………………………………………………………..The Man
Satan ‘N Love
Michael Lewis
(The stage is prepared in this way: The apron is open and dressed to look like a hard wood floor. Center stage is a bar. It is at the center of the room with four sides and tables around the outside. To the far stage right is a platform. This is the front of the restaurant/pub, with the entrance from the street just upstage of the platform. As the lights rise we see CHARLIE and LILY standing at center stage just in front of the bar. CHARLIE’s speech begins at the rise of the light and as the scene becomes visible CHARLIE is fully animated.)
CHARLIE
In about two minutes I’m going to go and take a piss, and I’m going to savor it. I’m going to savor the only 30 seconds of sanity this night now has left. I’m also going to reconsider ALL of my romantic choices. Why? Because that’s what you want isn’t it? You want to make me understand the error of my misguided ways? You want to teach me in near biblical fashion that women aren’t my playthings; that you deserve to be desired for more than just your bodies? That is what you want, isn’t it? It’s why your here with three of my scorned conquest in tow? Right? No. No, this has nothing to do with you showing me what an unrepentant prick I am. No, this is about you getting me back. Somewhere in that twisted imagination of yours you think that I’ll see public humiliation as some kind of foreplay, and that’s fucking pathetic, Lil. I left you sitting in that shitty apartment, and never fucking went back, because I simply can’t live with that level of crazy. I don’t love you. I never did. I never will; and you’ll just have to live with the fact that I used you until the day I didn’t need you anymore, and you liked it
(CHARLIE stands to leaves.)
CHARLIE (cont’d)
So try and punish me, Lil. You’re only punishing yourself….
(CHARLIE stumbles out stage right. The stage goes black. The lights come up on the apron, and a table slides out from stage left. Already seated at the table are JOSH and LUCILLE. They converse with the familiarity of old friends and lovers.)
LUCILLE
(Looking in the direction of CHARLIE and LILY)
I’m not sure that was entirely necessary.
JOSH
You loved it didn’t you
LUCILLE
Well, he just had so much energy.
JOSH
Yeah, the kids got presence, I’ll give him that.
(LUCILLE makes a non-verbal agreement, her eyes still lingering in CHARLIE’s direction. She set’s her glass down and turns to JOSH)
LUCILLE
So… Why are we here Josh? I know you didn’t bring me here to watch the hunk curse out of his girlfriend.
JOSH
Because I missed you, Lu; it’s been years since we’ve had a nice meal, a glass of wine, some good bread.
LUCILLE
You know I prefer cheese with my wine, Josh
JOSH
(Smiles)
Anyway, I just wanted to take you out. It feels like we’ve been drifting apart.
LUCILLE
Josh, you and I both know that even when we were together, we were apart.
JOSH
We had some good times.
LUCILLE
(She releases a coy, wry smile)
I know what this is, Josh. I live by the same calendar that you do.
JOSH
Time does fly, doesn’t it?…
LUCILLE
Hardly feel like a millennium.
(The scene freezes. The lights begin to fade. A man’s voice is heard.)
THE MAN
At some point I don’t quite remember, this play was unwritten, this theater empty, and I was lonely.
(The stage should be black at this point,)
THE MAN (cont’d)
But then I had an idea, and there was light.
(The lights come up quickly. A shabbily dressed man in a hoodie, torn jeans, and Birkenstock sandals with wools socks is standing center stage. The bar behind him is filled with people, business perfessionals. Standing on the bar, at the center of everything, is CHARLIE; he has a tie around his head, a beer in his hand and a grin on his face.)
THE MAN (cont’d)
… This is Charlie Goodspeed, and this is his party. Charlie works for powerful people, and has made them a lot of money, so they are about to make him powerful, as well. To get here he has made… Sacrifices… hurt people. Charlie Goodspeed is not a nice man. I know, I created him in my image. (Pause) I like Charlie; and despite his flaws, I did not want him to be lonely, too. So I gave him a woman.
(LILY walks in stage right. She is wearing a white dress. It confidently accentuates all the curves of her perfect body. She stands near the door, watching)
THE MAN (cont’d)
…And she looked good… And I deemed it good… But it was also boring…
(The scene goes dark. The lights dim, not to black, but with a focus on THE MAN)
THE MAN (cont’d)
No one wants to watch happy people. There’s no story, and little to learn from. So I broke them up…
(The scene shifts to a bedroom. A low rumble of thunder/cannon fire is heard in the background.)
…And the eternal war of the sexes raged, by my will, for your edification…
(CHARLIE is in his boxers. and LILY her bra and panties. They are under the covers. The conversation picks up somewhere in the middle. They appear, at least momentarily, to be very happy. CHARLIE is doing something non-descript to LILY)
LILY
…You know I hate that….
CHARLIE
Haha, I know you say you hate it, but your tone never quite matches your…. Countenance…
LILY
Don’t use dime store vocabulary to cover your perversion…
CHARLIE
I wouldn’t if you didn’t like it so much….
LILY
I like you, Charlie, not your silver tounge
CHARLIE
You love my silver tounge.
(CHARLIE kisses her cheek, and then her neck. He has a goal in mind. He starts moving down her body. She begins to moan, and just as he is about to disappear under the covers, she begins to laugh.)
CHARLIE
What could you possibly be laughing at?
(LILY giggles and tries to play off her outburst)
LILY
…Nothing. Just something girly…
CHARLIE
What does that mean?
LILY
Nothing.
CHARLIE
No, seriously.
LILY
Well… I was thinking about your phone number.
(CHARLIE is shocked and appalled… but mostly confused)
CHARLIE
Why?…
LILY
Because it’s the same numbers as my birthdate, and my address. 1-425-0584
CHARLIE
So…?
LILY
Well… it’s kind of like…Destiny…
CHARLIE
(In a disaffected tone)
It’s not destiny. At best it’s the kind silly coincidence silly girls blow out of proportion for silly reasons no man ever understands.
(She reaches out and touches his face affectionately)
LILY
And After everything I just did to you, I thought you’d be in a good mood.
CHARLIE
It’s just late, and I’ve got stuff on my mind. And I hate it when you talk like some kind of love sick school girl.
LILY
Well… You just make me want to talk that way… I mean, if there is anything you want to get off your mind… maybe I could help you to, you know…get it off… actually I was hoping we could help each other…
CHARLIE
That’s all you ever fucking think about.
LILY
Excuse me? A second ago you were thinking the same thing.
CHARLIE
Yeah, but It’s your answer for everything.
(Cruelly imitating her)
CHARLIE (cont’d)
“Why don’t you just forget about your problems, and fuck me again. Please fuck me, Charlie. Please fuck me. I crave nothing but your cock in my…”
LILY
THAT’S ABOUT E-FUCKING-NOUGH MR. GOODSPEED!!!… I don’t know why you’re trying to be cruel to me when all I tried to do is make you….
CHARLIE
Your puppy. You want me to be your puppy
LILY
I was just making a joke. Jesus, sometime you suck all the fun of this relationship.
CHARLIE
This isn’t a relationship. We call each other when we need the kind of friction we just can’t get in daily life.
LILY
No Charlie, that’s why you call me. And yet I still answer. Why? Well… apparently I hate myself. But, ya know what? I hate you, too, Charlie. I want to choke you to death 99% of the time, and it pisses me off that you happen to be the best thing in my life right now… So fuck you for making me feel like shit about needing some basic human fucking contact…
CHARLIE
YA SEE! This is why I didn’t want it to get serious. Now your attached, and now you’re gonna get hurt, and then you’re gonna try and make me look like the bad guy…
LILY
OH, Cut the shit, Charlie. You think your God’s fucking gift…
CHARLIE
(Beat)
I am God’s fucking gift.
(CHARLIE get’s up out of bed and starts getting dressed)
LILY
Where are you going?
(CHARLIE doesn’t answer)
LILY (cont’d)
(suddenly nervous)
Charlie, quit being an ass, and come back to bed… Please…
(CHARLIE Is fully dressed now. He is moving out stage right)
LILY (cont’d)
Wait! Charlie, where are you going?
CHARLIE
I’m going out for a pack of smokes.
LILY
I thought you quit?
(CHARLIE exits. LILY begins to weep softly, overcome with emotion. Lights Fade. )
THE MAN
And so the lines were clearly drawn, and the first battle fought; but, like all wars, there are many combatants…
(The lights fade up and CHARLIE walks out center stage with the first woman)
THE MAN(cont’d)
….And many battles won and lost…
(CHARLIE and the woman embrace and kiss. The woman is wearing a dress that she removes; it falls to the floor in a pile around her feet revealing her lingerie. They kiss again, and then there is a sudden shift in their demeanors. They pull away from one another)
THE MAN(cont’d)
…Again…
(The woman slaps CHARLIE and they both storm out in opposite directions, CHARLIE stage right, and the woman stage left. CHARLIE re-enters with the second woman almost immediately. The scene repeats itself. It’s not identical, but close enough)
THE MAN(cont’d)
…And again…
(CHARLIE and the woman exit. CHARLIE enters with the third woman. The scene repeats itself for the third and final time.)
THE MAN(cont’d)
…And again…
(The woman exits quickly, and CHARLIE is left standing alone at center stage. He picks up the three dresses and examines them.)
THE MAN(cont’d)
…Until no one can remember who has won….
(CHARLIE throws the dresses to the ground, as far away from himself as he can get them. He takes a moment, and then lies on his side on the stage right side of the bed. He faces the place where LILY once laid)
THE MAN(cont’d)
… And who has lost…
(Lights fade. Taps is played in the background through the blackout and slowly fades as well. When the lights come up again the music has changed dramatically, the bar is full of people, and CHARLIE is back on the bar; beer in hand, and grin on face. His best friend JIM is begging him to come down.)
JIM
Charlie! CHARLIE!!! Get off the fucking bar!!! CHARLIE!!!!!!!!
CHARLIE
THIS IS THE BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE!!!
JIM
(yelling to be heard over the music)
That’s awesome Charlie! Listen, Emily and I are going to take off.
CHARLIE
Fuck You! You’re taking off! You’re not taking anywhere! Except me to the bar to by another round of shots….
JIM
We’re already at the bar, Charlie. I’m glad you’re having a great time, but we got shit to do in the morning…
CHARLIE
Like what?
(EMILY who has been standing next to JIM chimes in)
EMILY
I’ve got field work in the morning, and Jim has this new portrait he’s been working on…
JIM
…Yeah, it’s kind of bullshit, but it’s paying the rent for the month, so we gotta go. We didn’t just join the ranks of the nouveau riche…
CHARLIE
FUCK THAT!
(CHARLIE jumps down off the bar)
CHARLIE (cont’d)
You’re my best friend, and I am Nu-FUCKING- Whatever-you-said . I’ll pay for your goddamn painting. AND two more! You see this party, Jimmy? It’s all for me. All these people are my soon to be employees. Before this night is over I’ll be making enough money to finally be pissed about the estate tax. Do you get that?… You’re set for the night, man! You’re with me. The Man of the Hour. The Golden boy! The MOTHER-FUCKING-ONE!!! Tonight I’m Keanu, and you mother fuckers are having another drink. BARTENDER!
(LILY speaks from her place near the door)
LILY
Oh Charlie…
(CHARLIE looks over at LILY. He takes a second to consider her, and what her presence here actually means)
CHARLIE
Oh Fuck.
LILY
How are you baby?
CHARLIE
Why are you here?
LILY
I came to congratulate you.
CHARLIE
Right…
LILY
I did. I heard you were in line for big things and I wanted to be here to support you. And you know I LOVE parties. They just get me so… I don’t know… worked up.
CHARLIE
This is going to be bad isn’t it, Lil?
LILY
…You know what they say about a woman scorned…
(JIM and EMILY, who have been watching nervously the entire time, see a small break in the tension and decides to seize the moment)
JIM
Hey Charlie… we’re going to get going…
CHARLIE
THE FUCK YOU ARE! You, Jim, are not abandoning me now. I stood by you at your ex’s horseshit excuse for a wedding. You are not leaving me NOW!
JIM
You forced me to go that wedding. And then you left me to fuck the Maid of Honor…
(LILY turns her attention to JIM and EMILY)
LILY
Jim. Emily. How are you? How have you been?
EMILY
Lily! Hi… I didn’t think anyone had invited you!..
(LILY Lets out a giggle of barely retrained contempt)
LILY
Ha… ha… ha… well…
CHARLIE
What do you want Lily?
LILY
(Her tone softens slightly)
…Well… The girls and I…
CHARLIE
What Girls?
LILY
(Taking on a the affect of a southern bell as a way of mocking CHARLIE…)
Why, Charlie Goodspeed! You didn’t think I was the only gal that’d heard of your success, now did you?
(She calls out)
LILY (cont’d)
OH GIRLS…
( The three girls from CHARLIE’S bedroom enter the bar SR . The first is dressed in a stunning red dress, the second in a deep emerald number, and the third in sheer black. The whole room stops to watch them enter. The scene is underscored by the music of “House of the Rising Sun”. They walk right up to Charlie. Each taking a moment to caress his face gently in a erotic and menacing manner. Then they disperse themselves through the crowd, flirting with the men on stage as they go. They have a preternatural beauty that is impossible to dismiss. The women in the crowd are incensed, and CHARLIE is visibly annoyed by this new development. JIM turns to CHARLIE and as he begins to speak the music fades)
JIM
Charlie, I’ve known you a long time, and while I didn’t exactly see this coming, I’m not all that surprised.
EMILY
Charlie, I haven’t known you nearly as long as Jim, and I’m surprised this didn’t happen sooner.
CHARLIE
Weren’t you two leaving?
JIM AND EMILY
(Simultaneously)
NOPE!… BARTENDER!
(A bartender hands them each a beer and they sit down at the bar.)
CHARLIE
How did you get them here?!?!… How do you even know them?!?!…
LILY
(With a sugary kind of condescension)
Charlie, this town isn’t as big as you seem to think it is… We girls get to talking and before you know it… well… and with the internet these days…There are no secrets any more my good Charlie, boy…
CHARLIE
LILY! This is MY night!…
(With a kind of pathetic, pleading sincerity.)
CHARLIE (cont’d)
What are you doing here?
LILY
(with calculated innocence)
We all just came to see you get what you so deserve….
(CHARLIE has an epiphany)
CHARLIE
Ya know what, Lil… I get it… I do… so let me save you some time… In about two….
(The scene freezes. The man enters. Walks to center stage)
THE MAN
This is where you came in…
(CHARLIE exits as he did at the beginning of the play. JOSH and LUCILLE slide out from SL as they did at the beginning of the play)
THE MAN (cont’d)
…And this is about where they came in…
(The stage goes black.)
THE MAN (cont’d)
…And this is about where I came in…
(A lamp post slides out from SR. CHARLIE is standing underneath it… urinating…and singing “Tainted Love” at the top of his lungs)
THE MAN
… And… apparently
CHARLIE
(Singing)
I’ve got to (bum bum) runaway
I’ve got to (bum bum) get away…
(THE MAN shakes his head while Charlie keeps singing in the background)
THE MAN (cont’d)
… this is what we’ve come to….
( THE MAN takes a long deep sigh)
THE MAN (cont’d)
CHARLIE!!!
CHARLIE
(Startled)
WHAT THE FUCK!!!
THE MAN
Charlie… Calm down.
CHARLIE
(zipping up)
Fuck you, calm down. I’m standing here with my dick out, and you start screaming at me. Then you tell me to calm down?
THE MAN
I just wanted to tell you that… well… you’re going to have a very bad night.
CHARLIE
Great… I already KNEW that, but thanks for the pep talk, you creepy fuck.
THE MAN
Charlie, listen to me when you go back in there….
(PAUSE. THE MAN reconsiders continuing his sentence.)
THE MAN (cont’d)
Forget it. You’ll see.
(THE MAN vanishes. CHARLIE screams and runs off stage right. The lamp post follows him off stage. The lights come up and JOSH and LUCILLE are seated at their table. The whole bar can be seen and, with the exceptions of JOSH and LUCILLE, each character is still frozen in their place.)
LUCILLE
… but, as pleasant as this has been, I’m done. Every thousand years you drag me out on the same godddamed date even though you know it’s not going to change a goddamned thing… I left you for a reason.
JOSH
I know, Lu. You took a third of my kingdom with you when you did.
LUCILLE
I only did that because I knew you weren’t going to give me half.
JOSH
I paid for that kingdom in blood, Lu
LUCILLE
And, I paid for my portion in love.
JOSH
What you gave me wasn’t love… It was… Something else…
(LUCILLE stands and throws her glass of wine in his face.)
LUCILLE
You arrogant son of a bitch!… I LOVED YOU… I loved you as best I could. and it was never enough for you! You had to go out and create a whole other world just to satisfy your own infinite ego…
JOSH
(Cleaning himself up)
No one’s perfect, Lu…
LUCILLE
FUCK YOU!… Why are we here? Why do you drag me on these horrific dates? Why do I have to take this form, and feel the filth of this world on this wretched skin?…
(Josh stands and approaches her)
JOSH
Because I’m trying to show you what real love looks like. You say you loved me? Your vanity and your jealousy made you hate me. When you left me, Lu, it hurt. It broke my heart and I’ve felt that heartache echo through eternity; but, I know it hurt you so much more. You’re broken, Lu; and that makes you more capable of actual love than you ever were all those eons ago. You just have to let go. End your infernal war, and come home. I miss you, Lu. Please. Just come home.
(LUCILLE appears to be crying. She turns her back to him. He puts his arms around her and her body gives into his embrace.)
JOSH (cont’d)
Don’t you want to come home?
(LUCILLE takes a long deep breath. There is both relief and tension in her action)
LUCILLE
You still love me?
JOSH
Forever.
(LUCILLE turns to face JOSH. They kiss passionately. LUCILLE backs away.)
LUCILLE
… But you still love them, too, don’t you…?
JOSH
(soberly)
Yes.
LUCILLE
Even though they can’t even love each other?
JOSH
Yes, they can, Lu. Like you they are flawed in so many ways, but also like you this gives them a sincere capacity for love.
LUCILLE
The man who just left this bar treated that woman as if she was a dog for him to kick, and he enjoyed it. We both saw the cruel smile of satisfaction on his lips as he left. How is that man not an ambassador for his entire race? They all posses that same cruelty; and you tell me about their capacity for love? Men and women do nothing but destroy the things they love. They are animals. They’re mongrels that are better off as ash, and you would love them just as much as you would love me?
JOSH
Yes.
LUCILLE
(Furious)
I don’t understand this… this ritual… No matter how many times we repeat it, it’s always the same… Why act out this same accursed pantomime over, and over, and over, until Kingdom Come…
JOSH
Because, Lu…What else do we have…?
(LUCILLE crosses to JOSH. She presses herself against him, her head and hands on his chest. JOSH puts his arms around her once again.)
LUCILLE
Josh, do you believe that man loves that woman?
JOSH
I know he does, Lu; with all his soul.
LUCILLE
Tonight, I vow that man will lose his soul, and I will watch this world burn.
JOSH
No, Lu. I doubt that.
(LUCILLE looks up at JOSH, and he down at her. Their eyes meet. Black out)
(The lights rise slowly JOSH and LUCILLE are no longer center stage. JOSH is sitting at the end of the bar sipping an expensive glass of whiskey, and LUCILLE is moving among the crowd taking part in the mayhem As the lights reach full the three women have caused a stir, and the party has reached a fever pitch. The music is loud, the crowd is dancing luridly. The room, once full of professionals, has become a room full of drunken hedonist. Body parts are exposed and all caution has been thrown to the wind. JIM is caught in the middle of all this at center stage. Around him are the three women are dancing provocatively with three men, and JIM is visibly uncomfortable. There are women on the bar and men standing below them egging them on. JIM has nowhere to retreat to. EMILY has taken LILY into the corner for some aggressive girl talk. As the scene begins EMILY and LILY are standing down stage left. We hear their conversation.)
EMILY
Lily. I know you’re hurt but this isn’t this way.
LILY
You’ve made your peace with Charlie. I haven’t.
EMILY
There are other ways for you to get closure. You don’t have to attack his job.
LILY
What Charlie does is evil. Why should I care if he makes another million dollars off the back of some old lady?
EMILY
Lily, this is cruel.,.
LILY
Charlie is cruel. Whatever I have planed for Charlie isn’t just the right thing to do, it’s fucking righteous. And you know it…He uses people, Em. He used you. Dropped you after one night with not so much as a “Fuck off”…
EMILY
Lily, what Charlie did to me was awful, but that was a long time ago. I’m with Jim now, and Jim loves Charlie like a brother for a reason. For whatever flaws he might have, Charlie has so many good things about him. He can be sweet, and funny, and he can be brave, and really, really…
LILY
HOLY SHIT! YOU’RE IN LOVE WITH HIM!!!
EMILY
WAIT! WHAT?
(EMILY is stunned and left momentarily speechless. CHARLIE burst into the bar. He searches the room frantically. He sees JIM still standing uncomfortably in the midst of the dancing couples. CHARLIE grabs JIM by the sleeve and attempts to drag him out of the bar)
CHARLIE
We Gotta Go.
(JIM resists CHARLIE)
JIM
Get off of me.
(CHARLIE becomes more determined)
CHARLIE
Jim, we really need to go.
(JIM breaks free of CHARLIE’S grasp. He is now visibly annoyed)
JIM
Why? Why do we all of a sudden have to go?
CHARLIE
Jim, if we stay, am I going to have a bad night?
JIM
Probably.
CHARLIE
And how do you know that?
JIM
Lily.
CHARLIE
Exactly, So let’s go.
JIM
I’m not leaving without Emily, and you’re not leaving because your boss hasn’t announced your promotion yet
CHARLIE
I don’t want it.
JIM
Fuck you. You don’t want it.
CHARLIE
JIM!
(Emily has regained her composure. The following exchanges takes place very quickly)
EMILY
(with compassion)
Lily.
JIM
(mocking CHARLIE)
CHARLIE!
(CHARLIE grabs JIM by the shoulders and tries desperately to explain something to him)
LILY
(Composed and Menacing)
Emily.
EMILY
Lily, I think you might be projecting…
(JIM shakes CHARLIE off and takes a step back.)
JIM
… a Giant load of Horseshit!…
EMILY
… to try and deal with your…
JIM
…severe emotional instability…
EMILY
… Now, I know Charlie hurt you, and then seemed…
JIM
… to just disappear?!?…
EMILY
… and I know you’re probably asking yourself…
JIM
…how the fuck could he do that? I mean seriously, Charles, people…
EMILY
…don’t always have the maturity to maintain a relationship between…
JIM
…Reality and the Fucking fantasy world you live in!
CHARLIE & LILY
(simultaneously)
Whatever!
JIM
NO! Seriously, Dude…
EMILY
Lily, listen to me…
(LILY walks away from EMILY, exasperated. She circles the bar trying to escape, occasionally aggressively brushing past CHARLIE and JIM during JIM’s short speech).
JIM
I know that Lily has got you spooked, and I know that you have this fatalistic streak in you, and that you’re a bit of a coward; but I’ll be damned if I’m going to watch you throw away something you actually worked for, and actually deserve, because you’re scared of your ex-girlfriend. There is no such thing as vanishing hobo-hippy prophets. And even if there were, you know you can’t get within a hundred yards of this place unless you know someone with a beamer…
(In a reassuring tone)
JIM (cont’d)
…You’re already three sheets to the wind, your booze soaked visual cortex probably just overloaded and you took it as some kind of doomsday warning. Buck up, Man.
(EMILY grabs LILY’s arm and forces her to face her.)
EMILY
Lily, I don’t know what you’ve got brewing in that head of yours, but whatever it is, just let it go. Get your friends and go home.
(LILY pushes Emily away)
LILY
YA KNOW WHAT, EM!!!
(LILY opens her mouth to respond to EMILY when the scene freezes, With the exception of LUCILLE and JOSH. The music stops but LUCILLE keeps dancing, JOSH keeps sipping his whiskey. He is watching her intently.)
JOSH
You’ve held up pretty well over the years, Lu.
LUCILLE
(still dancing)
I’m immortal, Josh.
JOSH
…And it looks great on you…
(LUCILLE throws JOSH a knowing smile, then circles the frozen CHARLIE)
LUCILLE
I’m sorry to disappoint you Mr. Tall, Dark, and Omnipotent, but tonight, this is the only man for me..
JOSH
You know how this work, Lu. You’ve got to make a compelling case.
(LUCILLE dances towards JOSH. She gets very close to him. Close enough to whisper in his ear)
LUCILLE
Just like the old days?
(He sips his whiskey. She begins to dance her way across the room)
LUCILLE (cont’d)
Damnit! Ya know, I don’t think I’ve had this much fun since Job… Then again…
(LUCILLE takes on an air of seduction)
LUCILLE
…there were those 40 days in the desert…
JOSH
LU! Focus.
(She reaches LILY)
LUCILLE
Well Alright then, Almighty. Let’s get started.
(She throws and arm around LILY.)
LUCILLE (cont’d)
My first witness.
(The scene explodes in a flash of light. For a moment the whole theater fills with light from all directions then everything returns to black. A spotlight comes up on LILY. She is still standing in front of EMILY, her mouth agape. Suddenly she emits a sound, not words, but a note. The sound is piercing, discordant, and haunting. LILY closes her mouth. She attempts to speak again, but once again, only a note is heard. The lights come up slowly and everyone in the room is focused on LILY. LUCILLE can be seen standing directly behind LILY smiling. LILY looks around, stunned, trying to make sense of things. Every time she tries to speak she begins to sing. Her panic reaches a fever pitch, until she locks eyes with CHARLIE. Suddenly the sounds start to take shape. Still not words, but a melody begins to form. As the song emerging begins to become clearer the three women begin to move towards LILY forming a harmonious wall of sounds. When the four women meet they all turn towards CHARLIE as if preparing a unified front, then more sound begins to be heard, music. The music has the distinct quality that only comes from a group of live musicians, but no musicians are seen in the bar. This startles JIM and CHARLIE, but everyone else in the bar seems bewitched by this new event. The other party goers are at first, simply filled with a kind of grief in reaction to the music’s sorrowful tones, but as the music picks up they are physically compelled to dance. Their dance seems almost choreographed. The music has a bluesy, big band, jazz-standard quality, and the whole scene feel like it came out of a classic MGM musical. LILY and the other four women are leading the whole bar in a beautifully executed dance sequence. EMILY rushes over to JIM. There are no words. JIM looks at CHARLIE. The three try and understand why they seem to be the only ones unaffected. They spot JOSH at the end of the bar, and LUCILLE on the opposite end of the Bar. CHARLIE moves to JOSH, who is the closer of the two)
CHARLIE
(Yelling so that he can be heard over the music, but also out of panic)
There are five people in this bar who aren’t dancing and we’re two of them. And between the two of us you’re the only one who isn’t shitting his pants. WHY?
JOSH
(Matching CHARLIE’s volume, but still remaining calm.)
It’s, Lu. You can always tell she means business when she leads off with a song. It really makes me wish we could work things out between us…
CHARLIE
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!?!?!?!
JOSH
Oh. Yeah. I’m sorry, Charlie. You are about to have a very bad night.
(CHARLIE recoils in horror, this being the second time a complete stranger has said this to him in less than 20 minutes. It looks like Charlie is about to run when, At that moment, the music hits a crescendo, there is a momentary break, and we hear LILY’s voice.)
LILY
CHARLIE GOODSPEED!!!… DON’T RUN!… Don’t Run. I’ve got a little didy for you… It’s a heartbreaker…
(LILY begins to sing.)
LILY (cont’d)
I’ve got a tale to tell you
About a boy
Who treated all his women
like they were his toys
I’ve got a tale to tell you
About a man
Who only cares about a gal’s
Tits and Can
Cause he don’t have a heart
Not he don’t have a heart
That bastard plays his card
Like a fiendish art
I’ve got a tale to tell you
About a guy
And those wasted night I’d
Cry and Cry
I’ve got a tale to tell you
About THAT guy
And our final kiss on the
Night he dies
He may have broke your heart
You may have broke apart
But gals, don’t be a maryt
Put down your harp
Love’s a vicious game
And it’s a shame to lose
Just cut yourself some slack
And tie his noose
Cause he don’t have a heart
No he don’t have a heart
And when he feels yours beating
That’s when the shit gets hot
WOOOO!!!
(The music swells… There is an energetic interlude. The dancers are in full swing. JIM and EMILY are constantly trying to move out of the way of the dancers. JOSH is still sitting comfortably at the bar. CHARLIE is cowering behind the bar. LILY is seeking CHARLIE out to bring him up on stage. LUCILLE is on the bar dancing. She seems to be fueling the whole scene through her energy. LILY finds CHARLIE. She drags him on stage. She begins the final verse, which is sung with minimal accompaniment.)
LILY (cont’d)
They say to ere is human
To forgive divine
(whispered) But, Charlie boy
Hell ain’t seen no fury
Quite like mine….
(The music swells to a near frantic pace. The dancers are frenzied and wild, but beautiful to watch. LILY’s last note is heavy, and rueful. She holds it for what seem like forever, lost in its power. She is joined by the rest of the women in the bar, and then slowly by the men. The two groups sing in harmony. The note becomes a wail. Their dance has become grotesque, they are in pain, and their faces are scrawled in agony. JOSH still sits calmly in the midst of the madness. CHARLIE is still on stage frozen, petrified. JIM and EMILY have taken refuge behind the bar, just below LUCILLE who is still standing atop it. The wail continues, it sounds as if all of humanity is crying out, LUCILLE seems invigorated by the sound and lets out a yell of her own in chorus with the pitiable people below her. Her wail, however, is different than the dancers’. It is filled with a wild ecstasy that disarms CHARLIE even further. CHARLIE is about to collapse to the stage when he is rushed by the male dancers and lifted up. They present him to LUCILLE as if he we the main course on tonight’s menu. She laughs and begins to speak. Her voice is deep, and menacing. It echoes through the theater.)
LUCILLIE
LET JUSTICE BE DONE; AND THE HEAVENS FALL!…
(With that, the wailing ceases, altogether, But the music continues, becoming more kinetic as the scene progresses. The stage is flooded with red light, and begins to shake; we once again hear the sound of the Thunder/Cannon fire, and the set begins to be torn apart. The walls come down and behind them is a beautiful nothing. The bar itself falls apart. The stage has become ruins. The women run around the stage, in circles wild, and filled with a horrible passion they can’t control; all except EMILY, LILY, and her three accomplices. EMILY clings to JIM. They are now standing by what was once the up SR door that exited to the street. LILY and the three women stand on the platform down SR. CHARLIE is bound by the men and placed directly across from the platform down SL. The men move around the stage building a makeshift courtroom out of the ruins. The crazed women torment CHARLIE as he sits defeated on the floor. Other than the platform where LILY now stands, JOSH is the only thing that remains undisturbed by the upheaval. He is still sitting on the same stool sipping his whiskey, even though the bar, for all intents and purposes, no longer exist. He now also holds a bottle in his opposite hand. LUCILLE is standing over CHARLIE stroking his hair. She has calmed the women and they now sit before her facing CHARLIE. When the construction is complete the men stand behind the women also facing CHARLIE. The music comes to an abrupt halt. The setting in now complete, everyone is focused on CHARLIE, and everything is still. THE MAN enters. HE no longer looks like a “Hippy-Hobo Prophet”. He is clean shaven and strikingly handsome. His clothes radiate power. He is, by all appearances, the youngest person in the bar. He walks up to CHARLIE and manually lifts up his head to address him.)
THE MAN
I’m really sorry, Charlie. You’d be surprised how remarkably unsatisfying it can be to be right all the time.
(THE MAN turns towards JOSH)
THE MAN (cont’d)
That stuff’s going to kill you, Son.
(JOSH let’s out a very loud laugh, almost spilling his whiskey. The man crosses the stage, giving Josh a little jab in the side as he goes. He walks up to JIM and EMILY, who are beyond terrified. He lays each of his hands on his heart own heart, and makes eye contact with EMILY)
THE MAN (cont’d)
Do not be afraid.
(The man then takes his hands and places one on each of their hearts. Immediately, the terror passes from the two and they take deep sighs of relief. THE MAN smiles, and JIM and EMILY return his kindness. He crosses down to LILY and the three women. He studies them for a moment.)
THE MAN (cont’d)
The sorrow of all mankind.
(LILY and the women are unmoved. THE MAN turns towards LUCILLE.)
THE MAN (cont’d)
So… You turned down the offer again?
LUCILLE
(defiant)
Yup.
THE MAN
Well then… If we must, We must…
LUCILLE
…We Must…
(Up SC there is a Judges bench/altar/throne where THE MAN takes his rightful place.)
THE MAN
(Beat)
Let’s begin… (Beat) Charlie Goodspeed, tonight you, on your fragile shoulders rest the hope of humanity. The forces at play here have chosen you, Charlie, as the representative of your world. You may think this is unfair. You have been dragged from a world where you are powerful, to one where you are a pawn, and you are angry. Well, I can assure you that you are always a pawn. Every man is a slave to the destiny we write for him, and what we choose to do with him, we do. It is our right. We are all that is good and horrible about your life, and now, we have come to you for a reckoning. Do you understand the things I am saying to you?
(CHARLIE lifts his head and look in the direction of THE MAN)
CHARLIE
The last time this night made any sense, I was doing tequila shots off of my secretary.
THE MAN
Would you like to know why you are here?
CHARLIE
I really don’t have much of a choice, do I?
THE MAN
You catch on quick… (beat) At the beginning of time there was only a single, loving consciousness. It had a dream, and your world sparked from that dream. It dreamt of a man, and a woman, and a world populated with wonders. It endowed the man and the woman with its most powerful aspect and for the first time love was given a form. But then a mystery occurred: through the same channels that allowed the consciousness to create your world, your world began to shape the consciousness. It began to fracture into beings that started to take a human kind of shape; and as the man and woman of your world began to experience all the beautiful things that go hand and hand with love: sex, passion, adoration, ecstasy, so too did these new beings. And it was good. But there is a dark side to love as well and the fear, and suspicion, and the jealousy that comes with a love gone wrong also flowed into that higher plane. Most of the beings did not succumb to the creeping darkness, but there were some whose passions ran so deep they could not help but fall into that pit of despair. They hated your world. They blamed you for all of their anguish. They wanted to see your world expunged from existence. And yet, those that had not succumbed understood your flaws, and appreciated them. They wanted to protect you; to invite you to join them in pleasures you could never imagine. They wanted to make you better. The two sides could not reconcile, and so another new idea sprang into existence: War. In your world wars flare and subside. Our world is eternal, thus so is our war. Two all powerful sides locked in an unceasing conflict that stretches across infinite planes of existence. Which brings us to you, Charlie. You see I am that original consciousness. I could end the war in an instant, all I need do is choose to forget your world, and everything returns to a single consciousness once again. But, I consider myself to be fair. So every thousand years by your time, I bring all parties together and I weigh all the sides. I decide whether your world has the right to continue to exist. Do you like existing, Charlie?
CHARLIE
Some moments are better than others.
(THE MAN smiles)
THE MAN
Yes, Charlie, that’s true. And that is also the point. We are going to weigh those moments, the moments between you and Lily, and decide whether you have enough good moments to save your world. Your world began with the love between a man and a woman, and if it is to end, it will end the same way.
(LUCILLE, running her hands through CHARLIE’s hair.)
LUCILLE
…And that’s where I come in, Charlie. You see, I want things to go back to the way they were. I want the last thing I see to be your world vanish before my very eyes. I hate you.
(CHARLIE doesn’t ever ask LUCILLE who she is. He doesn’t need to. He turns to look at her for only a second, and then he looks away.)
JOSH
… And I do not…
(CHARLIE looks over at JOSH, for the first time. JOSH gives CHARLIE a reassuring smile.)
JOSH (cont’d)
It’s all going to be fine.
LUCILLE
He doesn’t know that, Charlie. Even if I can’t drag this whole world kicking and screaming into oblivion, that man up there may very well give you to me to do with as I please. Josh, over there is just a big bleeding heart, but the big guy, he’s neutral; just as happy to watch you burn as he is to see you ascend… You better pray that woman still loves you, Charlie.
(JIM takes a shaky step forward from his place in the shadows.)
JIM
Umm… may I ask a question…?
(JOSH whirls around)
JOSH
…Actually, Jim…
JIM
…Son of Bitch, he knows my name…
JOSH
… We have some questions for you…
(JOSH walks JIM to CS among the other men and women. One of the men rushes to get something for JIM to sit on. JIM is once again in the middle of a mass of humanity, and is once again incredibly uncomfortable JOSH addresses JIM)
JOSH
Jim, I want you tell us about Charlie.
JIM
HA!
CHARLIE
NOT THAT, JIM!
JIM
You don’t know what I was thinking about.
CHARLIE
Doesn’t matter!
JOSH
Go on, Jim. Just be honest. Paint us a portrait of you’re friend.
(JIM feeling comforted by JOSH’s presence speaks freely without thinking.)
JIM
Well… Look, I’m not going to go out of my way to say that, Charlie is some kind of humanitarian. The guy can be an ass. But, ya know, he’s my friend. I stick by him.
JOSH
Is that all you’d like to say?…
JIM
Umm… I don’t know… no one has ever asked me to save the world before…
(EMILY runs over and takes her place next to JIM in the center of the stage.)
EMILY
THIS IS CRAZY… Charlie is human, obviously he’s going to fuck up and do things that seem reprehensible; but you shouldn’t hold him responsible for the future of our species! I mean did you kidnap Hitler, and put him on trial in some kind of crazy netherverse!?!… NO! you let him slaughter 10 million people! FUCK YOU!….
(JIM grabs EMILY’S arm an pulls her toward him)
JIM
Emily… I don’t think that’s helping…
(JIM takes a deep breath)
JIM (cont’d)
Look… I’ve known, Charlie since I was ten. He’s always been my best friend, and despite his flaws, the guy’s got a big heart. He’s loyal. He’s honest, to a fault actually; and he cares about the people close to him. In tenth grade when Susie Wilkins dumped me for Richie Dunkins, Charlie put a flaming bag of his own shit on Susie’s front porch, because that’s friendship
(LUCILLE chimes in)
LUCILLE
Didn’t Charlie sleep with your girlfriend?
JIM
Sure did!… Wait… dammit…
EMILY
It was a long time ago. Before I dated Jim.
LUCILLE
Didn’t he use you?
EMILY
…Well….Yeah. Kind of…
CHARLIE
EM!
EMILY
Well I’m sorry, Charlie, you kind of did…
(EMILY looks towards THE MAN)
EMILY (cont’d)
But a guy with commitment issues isn’t necessarily a bad guy he’s really just a guy…
JIM
Once again, Hun, I don’t think your being as helpful as you think you are…
LUCILLE
I’m done with them. I want her.
(LUCILLE points toward lily. The three women run towards CS and clear a path for her to walk; they grab JIM and EMILY and hurry them out of the way. Then they return to CS and each takes a seat below the chair. LILY strides confidently down from the platform, and makes her way towards CS. She is composed and free of fear. She seems to be reveling in this opportunity. She takes her seat.)
LUCILLE
Are you prepared to see this man punished?
LILY
I am.
CHARLIE
YOU’RE STILL CRAZY, LIL…
LUCILLE
(Beat)
How did you meet, Charlie?
LILY
I work in the entertainment division of a law firm in the city. We’re small, but growing. Our biggest client came into an obscene amount of money, and wanted to invest it. When you need to make money in the stock market, you go to Charlie. No one really knows how he does it, or even what he does. In truth the guy barely got out of high school, and as far as I can tell he only lucked into finance because he can kiss ass just as well as the whores he gets for his clients can suck dick…
(The men sitting at CS laugh, JIM laughs, too, and EMILY punches him. Lily smiles)
LILY (cont’d)
He did what the client wanted. He always does. Practically overnight my wealthy client went from just being rich, to being infuriatingly rich, and so the two firms partnered together to throw a very, very large party. Naturally, our mutual client was the one who introduced us. Charlie, was handsome, but not gorgeous. His suit was expensive, but off-the rack. His car was luxury, but not exotic. He was almost a god, but not quite. I’ve thought about it a thousand times; why I picked him that night? I mean, I had other options…So why this wanna-be?…I wish I had a really romantic answer, like, “it was the way he looked into my eyes” or “I saw something in him that other people didn’t” or maybe even something a little more lurid so I could blame the whole thing on alcohol and libido, something like “His words rolled off his tongue so sweetly I wanted to find out what else he could do with it….”
(She laughs to herself)
LILY (cont’d)
Ha… any kind of excuse that would allow me to look like a victim of circumstance… but I wasn’t. Why’d I go home with him? I just did. He offered, and I accepted. Every man thinks that women have these complicated motivations for everything they do, that every decision we make is the result of a lot of deep, emotional contemplation, but they aren’t. Sometimes a girl just wants to get laid. And Charlie seemed uncomplicated….haha… that’s how it always starts though… isn’t it?… It’s only supposed to be one night…
(Beat)
We decided we wanted to see each other again… and then again…and then again…and very quickly, it seemed like it was becoming something serious. But, we still needed to keep our lives separate. We needed space. We needed to keep it casual, and we knew that; but we also knew that pretty soon that wouldn’t be possible. So, we needed a solution
(Beat)
LILY (cont’d)
We got an apartment together… Brilliant, right?… we would each keep our separate apartments, and this would be neutral territory… It was a horrible little rat’s nest. You couldn’t do anything with it. We each kept a few pieces of clothing there so we could shower in the mornings and then, Sometimes we’d have breakfast at the coffee place down the street…ha… we had to, we didn’t keep any food there. …I don’t even think we had a stove.…
(Becoming emotional)
LILY
We had a few pieces of cheap furniture though, but I don’t know why…. we never had anyone over… We never intended to. That wasn’t the point. We spent most of the budget we’d agreed on a king sized bed…
(Beat. Trying to laugh through the pain)
… I think that bed was the most exspensive thing in that whole building…
(Beat)
…It was so soft…And warm… and it smelled just like hi… (pause)…. When we were there we’d hardly ever get out of it… It was… amaz…
(LILY pauses… she is fighting back tears.)
LILY (cont’d)
…I loved that place…
(She looks right at CHARLIE. CHARLIE can’t bear to look at her)
LILY (cont’d)
… I thought he loved it, too…
(There is a long silence.)
LUCILLE
Well Charlie?…
(CHARLIE barely lifts his head)
CHARLIE
What?
LUCILLE
Do you have anything to say?
CHARLIE
(Solemnly)
Fuck yourself.
LUCILLE
C’mon, Charlie. Don’t shut down.
CHARLIE
I’m not shutting down. I’m actively telling you to Go Fuck Yourself!
(LUCILLE picks up CHARLIES chin to look him in the eye. She slaps him hard across the face. LILY recoils in horror. JIM starts to make a move, but EMILY grabs him. CHARLIE sinks in despair and heartbreak.)
LUCILLE
Do you have anything to say for yourself now?
CHARLIE
I really dislike you.
LUCILLE
Charlie.
(CHARLIE doesn’t respond)
LUCILLE (cont’d)
CHARLIE!
(CHARLIE EXPLODES WITH EMOTION!)
CHARLIE
WHAT!?!? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY!?!?!… I’ve told you to fuck yourself. I’ve told you I dislike you. I don’t know what else you expect from me! You think just because the world is on the line I’m going to have some kind of fucking epiphany?
(Doing a exaggerated impression of himself)
CHARLIE (cont’d)
OH MY FUCKING GOD, I’M SUCH AN ASSHOLE!?!? HOW COULD I HAVE MISSED IT FOR SOOOOO LONG… I know I’m an asshole. Okay? I know it more deeply than anyone else here! You think you’re so smart? Ya know how I got the promotion I was celebrating when you snatched me out of my FUCKING REALITY; I helped my bank foreclose on my Grandmother’s house!!! YEAH! I have to live with that shit.
(Turning towards JIM)
CHARLIE (cont’d)
I bet you didn’t know that one, did you, JIMMY! With all your monologing about loyalty.
(Turning towards THE MAN)
CHARLIE (cont’d)
And to really answer your question, BIG FELLA, Sure, I like existing, but I’m not sure this world I’m trying to save is worth half a shit. It’s all run by greedy bastards like me that feed on old ladies. Why should I give a shit about saving it?
(CHARLIE takes a moment to think. He thinks of LILY. His tone softens.)
CHARLIE (cont’d)
Why? Because I had a really bright spot in my life once? Because she loved me despite everything that was horrible, and loathsome, and abhorrent about me? Because being with her actually made me feel… Human?
(CHARLIE turns back towards LUCILLE)
CHARLIE (cont’d)
(Slowly. With Regret)
Well I threw her away, just so I could prove I didn’t need her… God help me.
(Beat. Turning towards THE MAN)
CHARLIE (cont’d)
I’m tired of all this.
(Beat)
CHARLIE (cont’d)
I’m not worth saving, and neither are 99% percent of the shitheads back home.
(Beat)
CHARLIE (cont’d)
Go ahead. Forget us. Forget any of this misery ever took place… We’re probably better off.
(Silence. CHARLIE collapses. JOSH and LUCILLE lock eyes. They both move down stage center where they meet face to face.)
JOSH
Are you happy now, Lu?
(LUCILLE looks around the room. She studies CHARLIE, who is little more than a heap on the floor, for a long while)
LUCILLE
(with sorrow)
Never.
(THE MAN stands to address the people. He appears to be radiating light)
THE MAN
Charlie Goodspeed has already damned himself. I see no reason to damn his world, as well.
(LUCILLE springs into action)
LUCILLE
This Man is evil! This man deserves to burn, and he has given more than enough evidence for why his world deserves to burn with him. HE HIMSELF SAID SO!!! How can you let these wretched creatures continue to exist when this is their champion?
THE MAN
Because as you said, Lucille, I would just as soon see this man burn as I would see him ascend. Tonight, I’d rather not see either.
(THE MAN exits. LUCILLE flies into a rage. She lets out a shrill scream.)
LUCILLE
NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
(she turns to JOSH)
LUCILLE (cont’d)
IF HE WON’T TAKE THEIR WORLD, I WILL TAKE THEIR LIVES!
(LUCILLE Let’s out a hellish scream. The humans in the bar fall to the floor covering their ears and generally writhing in pain. JOSH is suddenly radiating the same light THE MAN did just before his exit from the stage. He grabs LUCILLE by the wrist)
JOSH
LU! STOP!
(LUCILLE looks at JOSH. She kisses him one last time then breaks free of his grip.)
LUCILLE
SEE YA IN A THOUSAND YEARS, JOSH.
(At this Josh also lets out a scream, his is deeper, more masculine, and primal. The Stage fills with light. Beings pour in from both sides of the stage. The beings are all dressed in fantastic gleaming clothing, but there is a clear delineation between the two sides. Most of the humans huddle together USC. JIM and EMILY collapse on top of each other; hoping to find safety where this is none. JOSH and LUCILLE each acquire a sword and start to fight at CS. The three women have abandoned LILY and are now huddled with everyone else USC. LILY has not moved from her seat, she is very dazed. JOSH and LUCILLE are fighting directly in front of her. ALL of the Beings that have just arrived are engaged in a frenzied battle all across the stage. The scene is chaotic. CHARLIE, is now fully alert. He springs to action. He runs behind the dueling gods and grabs LILY. He pulls her DSC. He tries to speak above the fray.)
CHARLIE
LILY, I……
(Before he can finish, LILY snaps from her daze, grabs him, and kisses him passionately. Again, lights fill the whole theater from every direction and little can be seen because of the sheer brilliance of the scene. Just as the lights flash we hear the voice of THE MAN)
THE MAN
…And so the war of the sexes raged…
(Curtain.)
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